Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dear Teachers...

Dear future teachers of my children....

If you could just indulge me, I have a few things to review.

#1. I am sure you are tired of parents telling you how special their kids are. How they deserve special considerations. How they are the exceptions to the rules. Blah, blah, blah. I agree with you. Those parents are wrong.  I, however, think you should know that my children truly are special exceptions and do deserve special considerations. At all times.

#2. The whole teacher's pet thing really bothers me. It is unfair and can mess up the dynamic in your classroom.  Favoring one student above the others, regardless of how cute or smart that student may be, is just wrong. Unless of course my child is your pet. In that case you are a genius with excellent taste and are doing a great job boosting the ego of your student.  If you are temporarily confused or led astray by someone else's kid, just know that the kid and his mom are just suck-ups.  It will hurt when their true natures are revealed.  If I haven't transferred my child out of your class at this point, then I am sure you will come around and see the error of your ways and reallocate your adoration as is appropriate. To my child.

#3.  Let's talk homework.  How beneficial is it really? I mean you have many many hours in the day in which my children are under your tutelage. Can't you get your job done then? Must you send it home for me? Because let's be honest...any homework you send home for the next few years is really for parents.  My kids still need help wiping their asses some times, so they are not going to be spelling all of their colors or locating all the states on a map without parental assistance.  Can you at least make it interesting for us as well? Throw in some double entendres we can giggle about sophomorically,  and references to 70s and  80s music.  We could totally rock geography with Boston, Kansas, Chicago,  even John Denver. And if you really want to be modern, Flo'rida. Two birds with one stone here...we could also teach the kids to whistle.

4)  School Uniforms.  Enough said. I love them. I'm not even kidding.  They should be worn all the way through graduation.  Really push this at administrative meetings.  This is for your own good as well as that of parents.  It's cheaper and eliminates a lot of stress and competition over fashion.  The kids who complain about it dampening their freedom of expression and individuality are right. Because they are the same kids who wear really stupid shit.  And they need a uniform more than anyone.

5)  Discipline.  It's important in a classroom for sure.  Kids need to understand there are consequences if they misbehave outside of the home as well.  But just so you know, I do such a great job with mine, and they are so superbly well-behaved, that you should really save your breath for the other kids in the class. You know, the troublemakers.  If my kid hits someone, there is no doubt he was provoked.  If he bites, the kid deserved it. If he says a naughty word, he heard it from his dad. It's not his fault. Period

Now that we've covered the first five issues of my sure to be on-going list, we can start the school year.  Hopefully everything will run smoothly and you and I will get along beautifully. After all, we both agree on one major thing. My kids are the greatest, and should be treated as such.

Thanks for your time and consideration in these matters. Please feel free to contact me at any time with praise and accolades regarding my child. 

Sincerely, Jennifer  (NGM)


  1. This is so spot on Nitty. I love the 70s and 80s music idea. Of course we are going to be 'helping' them with homework! Teaching the kids to whistle? Bahahaa..I'm loving it! xo

  2. Amen, and yes...uniforms are SPECTACULAR!!!! Great job my friend!

  3. Kids saying double entendres are awesome. My son mispronounced his P's, so when he was asking us to "plug it in", it sounded like "fu*& it in". So of course, we told him to tell every single relative to plug something in. Nice work.

  4. Love it!! Excellent points, all of them. I would LOVE to read a teacher's hypothetical reply to this. ;)


  5. I couldn't agree with you more about the uniforms and homework. Here's the thing with homework...if we don't send it parents feel we are not good teachers. We're also required to. But, we would prefer not to! We would save paper and the time it takes to photocopy it. We don't correct it anyways, and if parents don't get it back that's because it made it to the trash. And if any of you teachers are reading this, you know it's true.
    Loved your blog...hilarious!