Friday, January 20, 2012

why me? A journey

From pretty early on, I had a terrible pregnancy with the twins. The situation was dire, and we were told we would definitely lose one, if not both twins. It was so surreal and awful that I could barely comprehend it. I kept waiting for the doctor to say, "but, we can do this to fix it". He never said it. There was nothing anyone could do. And I thought over and over, "Why me? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this punishment?"

Things went from bad to worse, and I found myself in the hospital for eight horrible weeks. I was depressed and sick and resentful. I laid in that hospital bed bitter and tragic and terrified. I know it's terrible, but I begrudged all the happy people in the rooms around me with their easy pregnancies and healthy babies. I hated people who could come and go freely, while I was on strict bedrest, and even then no one could tell me that it would all be worth it in the end. One of my babies was still going to die, and the other had a 50/50 chance.

I bonded with the nurses who checked my vitals and those of the babies every three hours, but it was a bond of desperation. Please, tell me why this is happening to me. Please validate these feelings of anger and sickness and even betrayal.

I prayed, a lot. But not for God's will, as we are supposed to, but for a miracle. Or for it all to just be over. I simply could not take it anymore. I prayed out of desperation and tried to muster hope. But hope alluded me most of the time.Why me? Why do I have to lay in this bed all day with nothing to think about except my babies suffering, dying inside me.

I yelled and cried to my mom. I screamed, literally, about how much this sucked. I fell apart when my husband came to visit..sure that our lives would be ruined. We would never recover from this. I experienced my first true panic attacks.

See, most everything in life had come pretty easily to me. I never anticipated that the most important thing ever would be so marred by tragedy and fear.

When the twins were born, I looked at their tiny sick bodies, covered in monitors, overrun with tubes, ventilators hissing next to them. Oh God..why me, why them?? They were so tiny they couldn't be held. We could cradle the top of their heads and the bottom of their feet with our hands, and that was all because their underdeveloped nervous systems couldn't cope with more stimulation. We stood over their fragile doll like bodies and cupped our hands around them for hours. Helpless...
The first night the neonatologist visited us on my room to let me know there wasn't much more that could be done..they were maxxed out on ventilator settings and blood pressure medications and antibiotics.

Baby A, who had been given a chance by the doctors while in utero, began to rally the next day. It would be a long journey, but there was hope for the first time in months.

But as I stood over B, I was still screaming inside. Why me? Why him. He is so innocent. I cried and cried while he silently cried. The ventilator separated his vocal cords, so even though he cried so hard he shook, no one could hear him.

They both pulled through..came off the ventilators and grew stronger. It was amazing to watch and miraculous to witness. It was still wrenching and awful at times, but my attitude was changing. I was still asking " Why me?" all the time..but in a different way.

"Why me, why are my babies beating all the odds?"

While other mommys were holding their babies in the NICU for the last time, why did I get to feed mine, bath mine and cuddle for 45 minutes before returning them to their incubators. What did I do to deserve this?

While other mommys and daddys wondered if they would ever take their babies home, why did we get to anticipate bringing ours home after 7 weeks and 8 weeks in the NICU?

Why me? Why us? What did we do to deserve this?

I was not looking a gift horse in the mouth, I was simply in awe that I could go from despair and anger to gratitude and joy in a matter of days.

Why me, God? Why was I chosen to have a miracle play out in my life. Why am I worthy? And how do I live up to being a mommy to these awesome little guys?

So when terrible things happen, it is human nature to wonder "why me?" Is it capricious and random? Is it Karma? Does bad stuff just happen to good people?Why?

But look at the good, too, and wonder "why me?" Why is this joy, happiness, blessing, awesomeness happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? And if you can figure out what you did to deserve it, keep doing it. If you can't, then just be grateful that you are asking the right question.

22 comments:

  1. Wow...what a journey you and those sweet little boys endured. Thank you so much for sharing...and thankful you were able to end the story with a good "why me". :-)

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  2. this is beautiful. We can't answer the why's. We can be grateful for what we have, and I know you are. What gifts you have been given. And you are worthy.

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    1. i am so grateful but I know I'll never be truly worthy..just doing the best I can! thanks for reading..you are amazing!

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  3. I know exactly what you mean when you say you bedgrudged the happy people with their healthy babies. We can't help how we feel, even if it isn't necessarily right. Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it was hard!

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    1. it was hard...i feel really vulnerable actually, but felt the need to share..thanks for reading!

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  4. You made me cry.

    I'm kinda sorta speechless.
    Excellent post. Excellent writing. Excellent questions.

    Finally..Excellent Outcome.

    xoxo
    Lil Mama

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  5. I cried while writing it...and thanks for th compliments! much appreciated

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  6. Loved this post, and most people will never know what having 3 kids in 2 years is like! I also would have never thought I would have yhe patients for this and somehow I do. A friend of mine said to me, ” God gives you what you can handle.” <3 ya and I think you are doing a great job.

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  7. awww thanks A...i really appreciate it..and so glad you can relate...I guess God knew we could handle a lot! with little sleep

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  8. Oh Jen, reading this with tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry for all you and the boys went through. And oh, so happy for your two little miracles. I miss you, and wish we could enjoy this crazy/amazing parenthood journey with a few less miles between us....

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  9. I was expecting this to end with a sad note. God is amazing :) You are blessed, we all are, in some form or fashion!

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  10. Great entry Jen! So glad your little guys pulled through. It is a hard thing to wonder about...why some people's endings are so sad and others are given tiny, wonderful gifts. My theory is that God is crying with the tragedies and smiling when wonderful amazing things happen!

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  11. Wiping my eyes. Beautiful story; beautifully written.

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  12. Oh Jen, reading this with tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry for all you and the boys went through. And oh, so happy for your two little miracles. I miss you, and wish we could enjoy this crazy/amazing parenthood journey with a few less miles between us....

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  13. Really great post. I know exactly how you felt. We didn't have as sick a baby and we only had one, but I went through the same exact stages. Why me (with a sick baby) and then Why me (with the healthiest one in the NICU)? I'm so happy that your boys came through like champs. You are blessed. Truly.

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  14. Hi there! Just found your blog through domestic goddess. I too had premature boys (12 weeks) who are now 3 1/2 year old little hellions :) I wrote a post just yesterday a little bit about our NICU experience. Thanks so much for sharing and I look forward to reading more about you and your kiddos.

    Andrea

    omgtwinshappen.blogspot.com

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  15. This is amazing. I sit back and look at my 5 healthy children and can't begin to fathom the realm of emotions you must have gone through. Thank you for sharing it, beautiful!

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  16. You are truly blessed. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. Miracles can happen--your sweet babies are proof of that.

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  17. oh my God! Its not often I read words from others that are so very similar to my own... I know what you mean! My daughter was born micro-preemie and spent 4 months in the Nicu, at birth she was given a 0 to 10% chance of survival... she recently turned 7.

    I'll never forget the cries of a Mother whose baby did not make it... I felt so much sadness for her and shame in myself at the total and utter relief that it wasn't my daughter. I've also lost a baby, I was also very conflicted with the WHY's... why one but not the other. I had to finally accept that at whatever moment 'it' is decided to stay or move on that it is between the little soul that occupies the body and God.

    Powerful post... thank you for opening up and sharing your experience!

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  18. Thank you for sharing your story!! It is a comfort to hear other women who've felt/experienced what I did with my preemies. Crying/screaming why me/why them!?! is what I did all the time...from the bedrest in the hospital through the first year of their life. So thank you again!!

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